March 1,2018


There are moments in life that define more to us than we are willing to accept...

That specific term right there had me stuck like a piece of old ass gum under a table....

Stuck in my old habits, old memories, old patterns, and old versions of myself that I was completely refusing to finally just fully accept. 

Acceptance is one of the toughest pills to swallow...

Which I still find very ironic with all the intake of pills I had ingested the past few years...

So where do I pick up from here.... 

I know we’ve all asked ourselves that question at one point in our lives...

This was probably the second time I had come to this point,

I left you guys with a question that I really had wanted to have you, including myself, explore more. 

Your reason "Why", and I hope after giving my blog entry a listen you had genuinely took a minute or even a day to really reflect on what your "why" was. 

I know with the responses I received it took me over 6 months to come to a full answer to myself as to what my "why" really was and that was with that tricky little practice of acceptance. 

I had to learn how to readjust my ability to accept who I was, where I was in life, and what I truly had the ability to do and be in my future. Doing so, my little issue of anxiousness and PTSD took away a lot of my spirit, heart, and soul and took my entire being on one of those rollercoaster journeys I mentioned in the first blog entry I ever had the courage to post. 

I went forth on a very big decision for myself, which keep in mind please...we are all entitled to do, I had started to clean out my entire circle one by one ...continuously cutting out things and people that were absolutely toxic for me and for the person I was literally dying to become. This included taking a real hard look into the things that I even deeply loved. I took months on top of months just to  self reflect and come to a full honest view and acceptance about what I genuinely wanted for myself and my life. As I had started this process the reality felt unreal I was in a lethargic dream state, I had started to look around and lose trust in every person that claimed support and love. I wasn't sure if this was my instinct finally kicking in or my anxious problem that caused the major paranoia... either way I FINALLY listened to myself and I took the biggest pair of scissors I owned and at first I'll admit I had tried to cut myself out of this world at first assuming I was the biggest issue and as ashamed as I was to admit that to my mother the day after that attempt I realized the shoes I happened to be wearing were not mine. This began the first couple of steps of my acceptance process. 

Side note:

Acceptance is extremely perceptional, there is not another human who can clarify what your accept must intake. What others believe you should accept within your own life will always differ from what you should truly accept in order to move forward. The pressure of acceptance is another concept you need to consider, everyone will always be great at giving the advice but majority of us struggle with taking on our very own so avoid the inevitable pressure from others that you have to accept shit, allow yourself to find acceptance when you're soul allows you to, don't dwell on it forever but please give yourself chance to find peace so you can water your spirit and continue growing into the individual you are meant to become. One whom is not full of disappointment and sorrow but one full of admiration and courage for overcoming anything that crosses you path of YOURS.


As much as I wish I could be honest and say I have the super power ability of taking on my own advice and I magically became admirable and courageous I was clearly struggling just as the rest of us. I also wish that moment I had attempted to cut myself out of this world was my only and last, but it was far from it. As I stood at the top of a hill and contemplated things I wish not to make you visualize... an angel stopped me. He grabbed my hand, told me he came to save me, and I had so much more to do here in this lifetime. I pulled away from the edge of the hill and broke down with every emotion flooding my entire body. Although this angel led me to a Behavior health hospital it was the first step in a positive direction for me, 30 min prior to that my mother almost received that phone call I feared her ever having to receive. 

That second attempt, that specific day ... had my life completely flipped upside down and I didn't know how to stop throwing up from the motion sickness, there were still plenty of challenges almost an entire year later, day after day, that unfortunately still had me contemplating my life. I gave into all of that wonderful suggestive "advice" that came from everyone who suddenly became a life coach and therapist... 

"You should be on Meds.."

"You should go back to school..."

"You should leave your dude..."

"You should just move on..."

"You should love yourself more..."

“You need to connect with your spirituality more..”

"You should get your shit together..."

“You should take your own advice...”

"You should just find your own version of happiness..."

In that order, that's exactly what I did. I figured if I was at a point of hurting myself it couldn't hurt anymore than that if I just gave some of these suggestions a shot... 

Although I only took on that Meds advice for about a month until I cut myself off everything cold turkey, that risk alone triggered many many many tough days for me. 

I was deciding to completely reinvent myself after being chemically influenced by shit that I came to learn only made me feel worse and evidently caused bigger issues that left me, yet again incredibly suicidal...but very long story short I somehow overcame... I overcame the numerous suicide attempts... I overcame the desperation...I overcame the self dissapontment... I overcame the imaginary defeat.... I am somehow still here standing 10 toes down. 

I had decided to go back to school, I adopted as many healthy coping skills and healthy habits until I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I kept my love for art strong and passionate, I brought back the importance of meditation and my spirituality even while others did not respect or understand it's benefits within my life. I challenged myself with new work that eventually opened doors I never thought would open for me, including a career I had only dreamed about. I finally called my mom again with good news and excitement instead of what was becoming my normal call of crying and sorrow. I had finally stood on all 10 toes with my head held back up... in that very moment I knew I made that angel who saved my life proud and most importantly I was finally proud of myself. 

This is my testimony on acceptance and strength, although my entire life is a complete testimony... this past year showed me my personal powers I never realized I possessed because I wasn't accepting who it was I really am... and I don't mean the version that others believe I am but the true version of myself that I see when I look into the mirror every morning.

I am a survivor,

I am strong,

I am admirable,

I am courageous,

I am an advocate,

I am a creator,

I am an influencer,

I am a light. 

Now I want you to look into your mirror and ask "Who am I?"

This will be your first step to your acceptance process.


May 10, 2017

Still Smiling

I took a bit of a break recently with blogging after a morning catch up session with a friend. I had been circling around topics about my next write up and what direction I was going to take this entire portion of my work and the advice from a her at the time left me a bit stumped. I had a brain full of ideas but needed some serious advice on appropriate outlets. 

**Side note: I want to take a quick second to express how thankful I am that my dear friend took time out of her day to help me organize my brainstorming. Definitely not her fault for giving me genuine guidance that had left me facing a wall, it was a wall made from 100% love. Good thing I am very much use to this 'tough love' and conquered some emotional battles that eventually allowed me to climb over the wall made of tough love. By doing so, instead of discouraging myself to the truth I am clearly seeking, I am so much more stronger than I was just a few months ago. **

This recently became my newest testimony of trusting the process even through the pain. 

I know you're probably already assuming...because you're human and our greatest fault can be assumption... that she must have been so honest with me I left with my feelings hurt and couldn't move on from it but again, you're human and you're actually wrong on that account. My friend simply asked me a 3 letter question. That was all it took, a 1 worded, simple familiar question and it still had stumped me. In the moment I guess with the amount of answers I actually did have it really got to me that I didn't have an answer to it. 

I believe it did the damage it had to me because it had taken me quite some time to give an answer to other simple every day questions like "How are you?"..."Are You Okay?"..."Do You Need Anything?...and no one yet had asked me this under this circumstance. At the moment my emotions took it as a threat while my mind worked very very hard to take it as fuel. 

I know you're getting impatient as to what it may have been that she asked but bare with me. I'm doing my best to catch you up to speed while expressing what I need. 

I left the catch up session without giving her a specific answer and it rocked my world every day after that. I started to figure out solutions to help guide me to my answer and started to take some side advice she had shared like continuing to live outside my comfort zone and staying active in the community and booked myself a couple of shows to be a part of and practice answering her question. 

I was extremely fortunate to have made contact with people who had booked me to showcase and pop up shop.  From this blessing of an opportunity I was able to explore my answer. There is something about face to face interaction that forces answers, you get to witness the reactions and you are granted genuine clarity when you are praised for your honest answer whether their praise was genuine or not. There is just a humbling factor when you allow others in to define who it is you are. Especially in the instance where you're art and creations surround you and you're standing in front of it all saying "this is me, and this is why." 

So have you figured out what it was she had asked yet? Alright again I know you're just human not a mind reader so I'll get to the point now... she asked me "why?". She wanted me to answer this question to my soul, what is my 'WHY?'. What is my purpose? What is it that I'm trying to do with all of this? Toughest question I've been asked thus far in this 'becoming' process. I think it hit me so hard because I once obsessed over that same question 4 years ago...and here I was today, still obsessing over it. She had said something to me during our chat that played as my back bone as I explored 'why'. She said "don't ever feel obligated to stay with the same answer, your 'why' may constantly change... that's a great thing it defines your growth." 

Thanks to my courage to get into the community and push this question on myself I have finally found my answer in this case. 

So, WHY? 

Why am I doing this?

I want to bring quality to people's lives. Healing those around me helps heal me. 

I have some stories to share to bring awareness to matters that have affected my life and brought me where I stand today.

Now I want you to ask yourself 'WHY'?

Why do you accomplish the things that you do?

Why do you wake up to conquer the day?

Why do you perfect your crafts/self?

Why do you do whatever it is you push yourself to do? 

What is your why? 

Feel free to answer this question in the comment box below. 

I'd love to hear what your why's are. I'll be reposting them and sharing your story on my next post. Thank you guys for listening and for helping me subconsciously answer my why. 

What is your 'WHY'?

WARNING: Please refrain from checking out my blog while driving, I have made audio versions available to listen to below:


** A special dedication to Rissa Marie from Culture FuzzShe is a fellow female creative chasing down some goals while constantly working and spreading knowledge, please check her hard work out and show the girl some support and love. I love a woman with purpose and passion, don't you?:)**  

February 27, 2017

Honoring The Dead

As I sit peacefully at a graveyard and watch the wind dance around the balloons and as the birds visit stone sites...I begin to reflect on life itself. Staring at the clouds pass by just as time does so without hesitation there naturally became an inner voice of guidance. It was such an effortless guidance from the world around me, telling me I must keep myself grounded no matter the circumstances or the situations. I heard the environment tell me in the most loving way possible, time is not promised, death is. As I felt the energy from the sun upon my skin such as a reminder of how alive I currently am but in such a bittersweet manner to enhance the understanding how temporary every one of those feelings are. I looked around at bodies buried underneath my feet, and it only clarified how we all end up. Without any knowledge of how we will, but with the guaranteed promise that we will...fills me with passion. I've lost a lot in this life I've been blessed to have lived, I've lost a lot material to physical beings in this life. I've lost time that I can no longer even reflect back on because it's lost in my memory. Then there are those moments stuck in my memory that I wish I had never spent any time on, either way I refuse to live regretfully and I've promise to myself to live, under all circumstances, passionately. When I pass I don't want those who knew me to live with any regret related to me, I want to rest peacefully. I don't want those to feel my loss, I want you guys to celebrate my life. 

With that said, everyday I will work on continuing to leave my existence in this world so when I'm gone there are things to honor. 

P.S. Yes, even my haters are invited to my funeral. 

**Side Note**

Please give the second half of the audio available below a chance...even if you completely disregarded the rest of this post.

WARNING: Please refrain from checking out my blog while driving, I have made audio versions available to listen to below:


Honoring The Dead.mp3

February 1,2017


Let's start at my last statement...tough love. Growing up tough was how we were built. Giving up was never an option, feeling weak was not in us, and being tough was just who we were, at least in my family. We were like life's soldiers, as mama would put it on some days. I believed for a very long time that being weak was linked to failing. Not understanding until my weakest moment in life that it was actually linked to being human. Being weak is such a natural occurrence in life and people reject it unable to truly feel and learn from their weakness. I want you to do me a favor... I want you to start feeling life...Feel life when you fuck up, feel life when it's occurring, feel life at every direction just like you would if you were suspended 10,000 ft up diving into an unknown abyss. Do it! I promise you that you will learn what it is you want and need out of life. Don't get me wrong, I am just as imperfect as you are and sometimes I have a hard time taking on advice, especially my own. Not to mention I have a real bad case of that wonderful anxious habit. As my last psychologist put it "you've suffered heavily from depressed anxiety and now battle with PTSD...want some pills?". In other words, in my world, when I'm totally uncomfortable you'll probably assume I'm upset or angry when I'm honestly really uncomfortable in my own skin, so don't take it personal. If it's a stressful situation my emotions majority of the time rule all. BUT I told myself a while ago that I would work on breaking these habits because they are totally blocking me from being who I need to be. When it's something you're pretty sure you've lived with your entire life it's a little hard to face these habits and take them on one on one. So I understand the struggle! To my fellow anxious hearts...Your anxiety knows you, it knows you better than anyone. If you've dealt with it as long as I have then you know it has pretty much grew up with you...but just like a bad childhood friend, eventually you have to take the step to live with burning down that bridge and do your best to stop enabling all the bad or toxic shit about you. Stop enabling your bad habits like your worrying or negativity. All of those things that you just cannot control... yaa let that shit go. Most importantly...this one is big for me it's something I try to practice every moment in my life...Be the human you want other humans to be to you! Example: check yourself when you're in that crowded room and you can't handle the amount of uneasiness so you wear those unknown face expressions that may come off misunderstood...yup wipe that grouch face off you and just smiiiiile. Nobody in that crowded room , I promise, will EVER understand you're just uncomfortable (They don't give a fuck) and it's an unnecessary battle you can avoid trying to prove. You gotta learn how to live comfortablely no matter the situation or environment. That's my version of strength. Being strong enough to check your damn self about things that neeeeed to go, not just the things that should go but NEEEEED to go. 

Strength and tough love are such long stretches as terms. It's taken me time to show and experience different levels of it to know what it is on a human level to be balanced with both of the terms. I'm not saying this will work for everyone but I'll start to share what has worked for me, with genuine hope it will help a few others. 

You can either live victim to life's occurrences or you can live through life's occurrences.

Life's version of that tough love. ;) 

**Side note**

I've adapted small habits to help with my anxiety. First things first is, music. Well actually any form of audio to help ease the anxiety demons in my brain. One specific version of audio I religiously listen to is miss @itsTracyG . 

I recommend this woman to a lot of females. She has this insane ability to talk to ya soul! It must be something about someone you have never met just being 100% honest about life and her life was incredibly inspiring. She's one form of a ritual I have adopted to help me form this new version of strength and "tough love". Ladies, if you're hearing me out right now. Give Miss Tracy a visit on her SoundCloud. It's how I begin all of my days ready and prepped for life's tough love. 


WARNING: Please refrain from checking out my blog while driving, I have made audio versions available to listen to below:

Journey 3.mp3

January 13,2017


Honoring Myself

Let's start from my background, 

Born in San Bernardino,California but raised wherever my baby sitter for the day was. If we are technical about the city that raised me I would have to admit it was the entire Inland Empire. I don't think there was a city left out growing up. If it wasn't San Bernardino it was Colton, it was Highland, it was Riverside, it was Redlands, it was Ontario, it was whoever the hell was located close enough to help my mom make it to her job to pay the bills. My mom, for a very long portion of my life, was the sole provider. She took on the position of both her role and my fathers. She pushed through life with both myself and my younger brother on her back, even at her weakest moments...if she went down, we went down with her. She always wanted to do the justice thing as a single mother and "give us more than she had". As a child it was extremely hard to point out exactly what it was she felt like she didn't have. Growing up with my mom, her side of the family was all I really knew. Grandma was from the westside and Grandpa was from the north end. My grandparents, no matter their issues, have always my absolute favorite people in this world. They lectured and shared knowledge at 11am with a beer in their hand. They loved unconditionally, except when they hated each other, and always were the life of every party. Growing up I always felt like receiving a hug from them was worth way more than the dollar for candy if we were good. As a child I genuinely had believed that they knew so much more about the world than anyone else and they were still HAPPY...totally disregarding they were already drinking before noon. 

BBQ was Grandpas middle name and Budlight was Grandmas...I'm pretty sure that's how they met. It must have been one hell of a backyard party where they originally locked eyes because they had 4 children out of their romance. By the time I had arrived into the world their romance had come to an end and it had to be an extremely rare occasion to get them under the same roof. 

My mother was the 2nd to eldest but she herself had helped raise her siblings due to the party life my Grandparents had a hard time both leaving. She naturally had ,or now that I think more about it, a leadership quality within her. Writing this and looking back at the woman she was before my brother and I and as now an adult, clarifies what it was exactly she wanted for us. A life different from hers, in hopes it would be better. But we were an extension of her life only trying to figure things out at a point along with her. *Side Note* Totally crazy how life works. 

There is a part in my life I have a really hard time digging into my memory bank. I personally think I've just let the visuals go so I can move on and heal from my childhood. I can recall that my father left when I was about 5 or 6, could even have been sooner than that and that the last day I finally saw him, my parents tugged on my arms like a game of tug of war, back and forth for 30 min about whose custody I would be in while my younger brother stood across from me crying. That's the eldest memory I can go back to. Which still makes me extremely uncomfortable to think about. Growing up I was constantly told no one had wanted us, no one cared about us, it was us against the world. In the process of growing up with my mother she raised us with the only love she knew, tough love. In doing so she gave us a specific gift only those who also grew with it understand. 

WARNING: Please refrain from checking out my blog while driving, I have made audio versions available to listen to below:

Journey 2.1.mp3

January 5,2017



Its been a journey within its own, to say the least. The last 5 years with an undeniable spark of creativity and the self preservation to keep my passions, whether they may be from my past or from my present, alive and thriving. I went from "the muse" to opening myself up to show that I, myself... can actually be "the creative". Let's start with a little honesty.. I have completely struggled. They say a story without struggle lacks "thrill" and with my new found approach of looking at the glass half full, I will openly admit its been more than a "thrill". Life helped me build the most epic rollercoaster man has ever seen. Its not in me to keep this first of its kind rollercoaster all to myself, as I've learned I actually find the "thrill" within bringing others arounds to check out the ride and allow them to make their own justified beliefs upon it. Doing so, taught me more about the human specie (including self, because yes I AM HUMAN ALSO) than any other attempted lesson within my ride.

This is my rollercoaster themed journey and i hope that, if you find yourself on this, you can allow my lessons; experiences; and advice to guide you through its intensity.

If life was a little easier on you thus far and your ride may not have reached the heights nor the lows as mine has but you just admire the view...
You are more than welcome to watch from afar.
All i ask, is for my work to be respected...along with the stories I will openly share. More than this being for others who approach me for answers, most importantly, this blog was created for myself to help reassure my mind, my body, and my spirit. May we all find the ability to live life purposeFULL.